It’s summer. I’m in Britain. And it’s the Ashes. There follows a slight change from the norm, but don’t worry, it’s still mainly about sex.
For those of you who are not English or Australian, the Ashes is a series of five day cricket matches played between England and Australia and bla de bla de bla … that’s all you need to know. They’re really important and WE HAVE TO WIN THEM (or retain them as we won them before – nya nya nya).
I love cricket. And, as may have been sussed out previously, I love men. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that I therefore love the blokes currently making up the England side, who, let’s face it, on the whole, are FIT. And I mean F-I-T.
Example 1: Mr James (Jimmy) Anderson
Example 2: Mr Stuart Broad
Example 3: Mr Alastair Cook, Captain
Catch my drift?
Cricket is rife with bizarre terminology: silly mid-off, googlies, leg before wicket etc etc etc
And – way hay! – it all sounds like sexual innuendo. As I lay awake last night dreaming of Jimmy Anderson’s balls (What? He’s a bowler …), this sprung to mind. So here goes. Best spoken with wide-eyed, lip-biting exaggeration, but could all, of course, be heard on the pitch or in the pavilion. Naturally.
(To be honest, it probably helps if you know about cricket terms to start with and then just think of them in a slightly alternative way, if you haven’t already. Being me, I do it all the time.)
Demelza H’s Nudge Nudge Wink Wink Cricket Banter in honour of the Ashes:
1) (ecstatically) Oh, Steven, you certainly know how to bowl a maiden over. (*rolls eyes* I had to include it. Let’s get it out of the way. Steven, btw, refers to Steven Finn. Google him. You’ll see what I mean.)
2) (pantingly) Alastair, trust me, it’s going to be a very sticky wicket.
3) (pleasantly surprised) Ooh, he’s got a lovely straight bat.
4) (encouragingly) You’re doing so well, Stuart! Yes, oh yes, just like that. Come on! Occupy the crease for as long as you can!
5) (despairingly) It’s just not working. You need to open the face of your bat more!
6) (orgasmically) Oh, Jimmy, yes! Your ball just caught an inside edge! *
7) (disappointedly) Ooh, that one just slipped down leg side.
8) (more disappointedly) He didn’t quite get his bat to it.
9) (even more disappointedly – ie not a hope in hell of further selection) Shame. He was out before he ever really got in.
10) (hopefully) He’s really swinging it today.
11) (chirpily) I love it when he just flicks it to deep square leg.
12) (sinfully) We all like a touch of willow on leather. *wry smirk*
13) (concertedly) His fingers are working the seam.
14) (observantly) Ooh, that one’s dribbled to gully.
15) (admiringly) God, that was an incredible delivery. It just took out my middle stump!
16) (imperatively) Do it! Just do it! Open your shoulders and fling the willow!
17) (impressed-(ly)) He really whacked that full toss.
*My personal favourite. 😉
And here’s hoping England can polish it off in the next day or so.