The birds and the bees – you have got to be kidding!

My daughter, who’s just started secondary/high school, brought home some biology homework about human reproduction. Now, she knows all about the ins and outs of it already, but it still caused a fair bit of tittering and giggling having to make her awareness of it official in an exercise book and get graded for it. It was when she asked me to spell ‘ejaculation’ that I allowed my mouth to curl into a slight smile.

Actually, I sat my daughter down a couple of years ago and had a chat about things before anyone else could.

But it didn’t happen like that for me.

Back in the early 80s, there was a craze of little dolls. I’m not sure what they were called, but I remember them being ‘anatomically correct’. All my friends and I wanted the boy doll because … it had a willy. And willies were really naughty and exciting.


Anyway, one day we’re playing with this doll and it’s all getting a bit giggly and silly and my friend tells me that to make a baby the man sticks his willy inside the woman.

WHAT!!!!???? No way !!!!! You have got to be kidding!!!! No bloody way on earth does that ever happen you are like totally insane and I’m going to go and tell my mummy that you’re telling lies and that is the grossest most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life and you’re making it up and it’s all lies.


So, that night I go to my mum. In my head, this is how the conversation was going to go:

Me: Mummy, N says a woman gets pregnant by the man sticking his willy inside her. That’s not true, is it?

Mum: N said that? *gentle, mocking laughter* Of course it’s not true, darling. How could anything so disgusting be true? No, what happens is that when the man and woman have a gentle, loving kiss (not involving tongues or anything sloppy like that) the man reaches over to the bedside table and gets a box. Inside the box there’s a seed, a bit like a pearl or something round and shiny and really lovely. He smiles gently and hands the seed to his lovely wife. She magically absorbs the seed into her body by pure love alone and then she has a baby. Both mummy and daddy remain fully clothed at all times.’

Me: Thank you, mummy. I thought it was like that.

How the conversation really went:

Me: Mummy, N says a woman gets pregnant by the man sticking his willy inside her. That’s not true, is it?


*my mother gives a very big sigh*

Mum: Well … yes … it is true.


Me: Oh.

Sometimes life is harsh.

However, several years later, and many erotic stories later (not to mention two kids later), I find I’ve come to terms with the harsh reality of life. In fact, I’ve become quite adept at describing the man sticking his willy in the woman in just about every way possible. Funny how time changes things.

My friend would be so proud, and so would that little anatomically correct fellow who helped enlighten me.

If you want further enlightenment, you may enjoy this.

Book One in the Suited to You trilogy
Book One in the Suited to You trilogy
The birds and the bees – you have got to be kidding!

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